My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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