Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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