A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
