i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
