Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
