Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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