does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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