Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
