Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
