I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
