Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Randomize
