Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My Higher Power is John Stamos
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
