I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
