I'm going to rape someone's good day.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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