i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
