I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
the condom got lost in my hair
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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