i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
