I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize