Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
