first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It was confusing and full of hummus
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
