i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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