elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
