PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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