Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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