The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
