you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Randomize