The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
