you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
