I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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