Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
