im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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