remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
