So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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