You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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