Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize