my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
