watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
