I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
