Duck Duck Cougar?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
