Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just gargled with NyQuil
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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