Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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