I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
