I wannas sexs uuuuu
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
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