i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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