Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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