a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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