guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize