I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
