So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
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