if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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