Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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