Are we in a gay sports bar?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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