eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
