he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
