I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize
