Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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