My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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