she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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