Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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