you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
