It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
