I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
