Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
