It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
